


Rising Steam From Slaughtered Pigs

by persistent_pedantry



Series: The Collected Escapades of Minerva and René Galliard IV [9]
Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types, The Simpsons
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2020-10-17 07:48:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20617496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/persistent_pedantry/pseuds/persistent_pedantry
Summary: There's absolutely no reason for this piece and I don't know why I wrote it. I don't even know if I like it or not; it just exists and it makes me exhale out of my nose when I read it sometimes.





	Rising Steam From Slaughtered Pigs

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a little torn on which series to put this in. While it's a shitpost with no plot relevancy or what have you, it does still have René in it. Well, guess it goes in Escapades then!

_Door opens to show RENÉ, holding a bottle of wine._

RENÉ: Well, Alex, I made it... despite your directions.

ALEXANDRE: Ah, René! Welcome! I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon!

RENÉ: Uh...

_RENÉ walks inside, past ALEXANDRE, placing the wine in an ice bucket on the table. The dining room should be simple, as mentioned in the stage synopsis. ALEXANDRE walks into the kitchen, which should also be simple an Spartan. The oven should be spewing smoke. ALEXANDRE opens the oven to see a burning roast ham._

ALEXANDRE: [gasp] _Sacré bleu_, my roast is ruined!

_ALEXANDRE looks out the window over to the Couriway Café._

ALEXANDRE: But what if... I were to purchase the café’s food and disguise it as my own cooking? [to himself] Oh ho ho ho ho... delightfully devilish, Alexandre!

_ALEXANDRE puts a leg out the window. RENÉ enters, looking at ALEXANDRE suspiciously._

RENÉ: Uh.

_[cue song]_

_Alexandre with his crazy explanations,_

_The Pokémon Hunter’s gonna need his medication,_

_When he hears Alex’s lame exaggerations,_

_There'll be trouble in town tonight!_

_[end of song]_

RENÉ: [yelled] Alexandre!

_ALEXANDRE looks back to RENÉ, who is now standing in the kitchen, by the door._

ALEXANDRE: René! I was just, uh... just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise! Care to join me?

_RENÉ eyes ALEXANDRE suspiciously, pointing to the smoking oven._

RENÉ: Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Alex?

ALEXANDRE: Uhh... no! That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having! Mmm... steamed clams!

_RENÉ pauses, looking at ALEXANDRE in suspicious before going back to sit down at the table. ALEXANDRE audibly sighs in relief, wipes sweat from his brow and climbs out the window, running to the café._

_Cut scene to ALEXANDRE walking into the dining room with a platter of hamburgers and fries._

ALEXANDRE: René! I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers!

RENÉ: I thought we were having steamed clams.

_ALEXANDRE shakes his head. Chuckling, he places down the platter and sits down opposite RENÉ._

ALEXANDRE: D’oh, no. I said steamed hams! That's what I call hamburgers!

RENÉ: You call hamburgers "steamed hams?"

ALEXANDRE: Yes. It's a recieved dialect!

RENÉ: M’hm... uh, what region?

ALEXANDRE: [hesitates] Uhh... Sinnoh?

RENÉ: Really? Well, I lived in Undella Town briefly, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams."

ALEXANDRE: Oh, not in Undella, no. It's an Castelia expression.

RENÉ: I see. [pause] You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at the café down the road.

ALEXANDRE: Oh ho ho ho... no, patented Galliard burgers. Old family recipe.

RENÉ: For steamed hams? Which I didn’t know of? Even thought we’re in the same family?

ALEXANDRE: Uh- Yes!

_RENÉ takes the top of the hamburger off, showing the grilled burger itself._

RENÉ: Yes, so you call them "steamed hams" despite the fact they are obviously grilled.

ALEXANDRE: Ye- hey- you know, the- one thing I should—

_ALEXANDRE quickly stands._

ALEXANDRE: Excuse me for one second.

RENÉ: Of course.

_ALEXANDRE hurries inside the kitchen which is evidently glowing orange, like a fire is burning inside. After roughly three seconds, ALEXANDRE returns to the dining room and yawns loudly, stretching as he does. He then stands in front of the kitchen door as if to block the glowing._

ALEXANDRE: Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all, I'm pooped.

RENÉ: Yes, I should be-

_RENÉ rises from his seat. He points at the glowing kitchen, clearly shocked._

RENÉ: _Mére du putain_, what is happening in there!?

ALEXANDRE: Entei?

RENÉ: En- Entei!? At this season, at this time of day, in this region, just so deciding to stay in within your kitchen!?

ALEXANDRE: Uh- Yes!

_RENÉ pauses, looking away for a moment before looking at ALEXANDRE, clearly curious._

RENÉ: May I see it?

ALEXANDRE: No.

_Cut to ALEXANDRE and RENÉ standing outside, ALEXANDRE closing the door behind him after walking out. The windows are also glowing orange, showing that the inside of the house is on fire. GOGOAT bleats distressedly._

ALEXANDRE: No, Gogoat— You don’t hurt it, it won’t hurt you.

RENÉ: Well, Alex, you’re much stranger than when I last saw you, but I must say... you steam a good ham.

_RENÉ walks away, ALEXANDRE smiling and waving him off. GOGOAT continues to bleat loudly._


End file.
